The beginning of the rest of my life

Today I had chest surgery with Dr Fischer (Baltimore, USA)

I have had several panics and a few restless nights in the 9 weeks leading up to the surgery from when I booked it. My head filled with all sorts of thoughts, even such extremes as to whether I was really trans or not…However, the sheer calmness and happiness I experienced yesterday in the consultation and today as I went in for it, and during this afternoon, post-op, I never realised how happy this would make me.

I’m sat here like one happy puppy, Nurse Miles has been really looking after me – draining me, doing the laundry, making me a cuppa, and most importantly watering and feeding me! The pain on my chest is minimal, equivalent to a hefty chest workout (dips for example) and I’m pleased to say I can actually move my arms around and get my shirt on etc. I guess two years of putting on the Inzer Bench shirt for powerlifting has set the standard for discomfort…or even 12 months of wearing a medium sized Underworks compression shirt.

Dr Fischer phoned me in the afternoon to see how I was doing, and she was surprised I was awake and chirpy, and had already managed to eat food. (takes more than chopping me tits off to lose my appetite! ha ha). She said everything had gone really well and that she thought I was really going to like my results as I "have good skin tone and flattened out well". I can’t wait to see how it looks, see what work needs to be done by me down the gym once I’m allowed back there (6 weeks).

When I was a kid I always used to draw naked men’s muscular torsos. Just pages and pages of them, huge pecs with perfectly placed tiny nipples. I used to make up stories in my head about each one, all with the similar theme of being a boy and going away (to the navy or the army?!) and coming back a man. I only made the connection to myself in the past 12 months when I started transitioning at the Tom Waddell centre in SF in October 2006. I wonder what I’ll be drawing now…I have always loved looking at all sorts of male bodies, and have been hopeless with drawing female bodies. Unless they were female bodybuilders! Pike's actually the first woman I was ever able to draw. I think in London I'm gonna try do some more live drawing, and hope they're female - and not just for general perve!

Today I have felt really cared for by my friends who are my family in so many ways. I’m so optimistic about the future, about nothing being able to stop me achieve whatever I set my mind on. I’m gonna be surfing in Peru in a few months, running on the beach in my speedos, dancing salsa in the latino bars and making new friends and trying new things. Obviously still training too, but there’s so much stuff I haven’t done yet, I feel my life has been put on hold for too long and all the issues I used to train through, drink my way out of or get high to forget for the weekend - I’ve dealt with them! Sure the road is never easy, but I’m out of the most difficult part now.

Francis, Pike and I have been making a little documentary about this journey. I for one, would love to have seen someone going through the process before doing it myself. It's definetly made the experience a bit more of a laugh instead of a white knuckle ride! We’ll probably put it up on youtube once it’s edited. Plus there have been some comical moments which Francis has taken in his stride. It’s tough being at the beginning of transition. I am going to help him out as best as I can by getting him down the gym in Brixton and bulking him up a bit. I already taught him how to deadlift this January, so I know he's got it in him. He will be my first Project V.

We’ve been watching Rocky 2 tonight, which makes anyone want to go train!